Moms are the worst for it. They simultaneously anticipate and loath the thoughts of summer approaching. After all, does anyone, anywhere have more cellulite than mom’s do? Everything isn’t in the same place they were a few years ago either. Actually, it’d be great if particular parts were just in the same general vicinity, but alas, this isn’t to be. Here’s what you have to remember, Mom. Nobody cares nearly as much as you do. Really. Nobody. Everyone else is too busy looking at their own saggy derriere to pay much attention to yours. So enjoy your summer, and forget the rest!
Cellulite: The Potholes of the Thighs…and Behind
Many, many moons ago, you were a gorgeous, lithe little thing, Mom. Now, your body has more cellulite potholes than an old dirt road. Don’t let this little hindrance stop you from letting it all hang out this summer. First off, nobody’s looking at your potholes. Second of all, every other mom you’re worried is checking out each crevice not hidden by your one piece is actually thinking about her own. So get over it. Your potholes are all good.
Stretch Marks: The Signs of a Warrior
Woman, those are not stretch marks. Those are battle scars from at least nine months of growing, you know, a human being. You are not a ‘lesser than’ woman because of those scars. No, my friend, you are a valiant warrior fighting to perpetuate all human kind into the next generation. And you are winning! So proudly show off those stretch marks to anyone within walking distance as you watch your toddler eat sand. (Actually, make him stop that, okay.) As soon as his mouth is cleaned out, tell your fellow mommy, “And do you see this one? This one is from my second. Yeah, that little sucker weighed 10 pounds.”
The Constant Worry Over the Boob Droop
Guess what, Mom. Every woman’s boobs droop. You probably spent more time and money looking for a bathing suit to accentuate the girls whilst pushing them upward and outward than you did choosing your spouse. Yet, you’re still unhappy with the placement of your, once upon a time, best assets. News flash, hon! If you look around the beach or the pool this summer and find a mom whose boobs are blissfully high and tight, take solace in knowing that she bought those babies. You earned yours.
Blinded by the Light
Who cares if everyone in your vicinity is putting their shades on not because of the brilliant sunshine but because of the blinding glare off of your white, pasty legs? Rest assured you’ll have less wrinkles than every one of those tiny, young things with their beautiful golden tans.
Don’t beat yourself up too badly, Mom. It doesn’t matter if you have one little tyke or five, your body just isn’t what it once was. That’s okay. No one’s nearly as worried about your imperfections as they are their own. So put on that bathing suit and march proudly to the mommy drum this summer. You deserve it.